16 Feb

Admittedly, I haven’t been writing for a while, academically (working on my thesis) and contemplatively. It feels hard to express my feelings in words nowadays. I could feel the world in my head and I think I could probably pour words out when I sit down. But in fact, I stare at the screen, blanking out not really know where to begin.

I don’t think that’s strange. You lose touch with fluency when don’t practice.

My mom and sister left 6 weeks ago. My parents-in-law left yesterday. There’s an obvious emptiness in the home, right now right here.We walked into the house after coming back from the airport yesterday, there seemed to be an emptiness that was just waiting to suck us into is space, chew us, then swallow us. We will be locked in this emptiness in a long while now. I could tear up any time now just by thinking about it. I guess it comes from guilt, the guilt I knew I would always have, but I stubbornly and recklessly committed to. You know, I felt grateful for having such an unconditional love, despite being terrible and snappy at times.

I could tear up any time now just by thinking about it. I guess it comes from guilt, the guilt I knew I would always have, but I stubbornly and recklessly committed to. You know, I am grateful for having such an unconditional love, despite being terrible and snappy at times.

My head says it is going to be ok, this state of vulnerability will soon be gone. Yet my heart is aching, paradoxically devouring the sadness.

Right in this very moment, I am missing my mother, my father, my sister and my in-laws very very much.

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